Elevating Others Through Feedback

The Power of Permission

"The greatest gift you can give another person is your attention." ~ Richard Moss

The "boss" dreaded giving feedback. As a department head, they knew it was part of their job, but every feedback conversation felt like a battle—defensive employees, hurt feelings, and minimal behavior change. Sound familiar?

Then they learned something that changed everything: The problem wasn't the team's resistance to feedback. The problem was that they was giving unsolicited advice disguised as feedback.

Real feedback elevates people. But here's what most leaders miss—people can only receive feedback they've consciously agreed to hear.

The Permission Principle

Most feedback fails because it violates a fundamental truth about human psychology: We resist what we don't choose. When someone gives us input without our permission, our brain treats it as a threat, activating our defense mechanisms and shutting down our ability to learn.

But when we consciously choose to receive feedback, something remarkable happens. Our brain shifts from defensive mode to learning mode. We become curious rather than resistant, open rather than closed.

Consider these two approaches:

Without Permission: "You need to be more strategic in your thinking. Here's what you should do differently..."

With Permission: "I noticed some things about the project that might be useful to discuss. Would you be open to some input?"

The difference isn't just politeness—it's neuroscience in action.

The Neuroscience of Conscious Buy-In

When we ask permission before giving feedback, we're working with the brain's natural learning systems:

Safety First: Permission-seeking signals safety, keeping the amygdala calm and the prefrontal cortex online for learning.

Autonomy Activation: When people choose to receive input, it activates their brain's motivation centers and increases follow-through.

Curiosity Engagement: Voluntary feedback triggers the brain's reward networks, promoting neuroplasticity and genuine growth.

Ownership Creation: People who consciously agree to receive feedback take ownership of both the process and the outcomes.

The Three-Step Permission Framework

1. Ask for Permission

"I have some observations about [situation/project/interaction]. Would you be open to discussing them?"

"I noticed something that might be helpful. Are you interested in hearing about it?"

"Would you like some input on how that came across?"

2. Wait for Conscious Yes

Don't assume silence means consent. Look for:

• Verbal agreement: "Yes, I'd like to hear it"

• Body language: Open posture, eye contact, leaning in

• Engagement: Questions, curiosity, active listening

If you don't get a clear yes, respect their choice and offer to discuss it later when they're ready.

3. Frame as Your Perspective

"From my perspective..."

"What I experienced was..."

"My observation is..."

This keeps you from positioning yourself as the authority on their experience while still offering valuable input.

Permission in Action

Let's see how this transforms a typical feedback scenario. Marcus needed to address Jennifer's tendency to dominate team meetings:

Traditional Approach: "Jennifer, you need to give others more space to contribute in meetings. You're talking too much and not letting others share their ideas."

Permission-Based Approach: "Jennifer, I noticed some dynamics in our team meetings that I think could be worth discussing. Would you be open to some observations?"

[Jennifer agrees]

"From my perspective, when you share multiple ideas in succession, it seems like others become hesitant to contribute. I'm wondering if you've noticed that pattern?"

The result? Instead of becoming defensive, Jennifer became curious. She revealed that she was actually trying to help by filling awkward silences, not realizing her good intentions were having the opposite effect. Together, they developed strategies that honored her desire to contribute while creating space for others.

The Ripple Effect of Permission

When leaders consistently ask permission before offering feedback, it creates a powerful cultural shift:

• Trust increases because people feel respected and heard

• Defensiveness decreases because input feels safe rather than threatening

• Learning accelerates because people are mentally prepared to receive information

• Ownership grows because individuals choose their development path

• Relationships strengthen through mutual respect and conscious communication

We've heard clients describe this transformation like this: "When my manager started asking permission, I actually began seeking out their input. I knew they respected my autonomy, so I trusted their observations."

Beyond Individual Conversations

The permission principle extends beyond one-on-one feedback:

Team Meetings: "I have some observations about our process. Would the team be open to discussing them?"

Performance Reviews: "I'd like to share some thoughts on your development. What areas would you most like input on?"

Project Debriefs: "There are some patterns I noticed in this project. Would it be helpful to explore them together?"

Difficult Conversations: "This is a sensitive topic, and I want to approach it in a way that's most useful for you. How would you like to handle this discussion?"

Your Permission Challenge

This week, transform your feedback approach by implementing the Permission Principle:

Before any feedback conversation:

• Set an intention to elevate, not evaluate

• Plan how you'll ask for permission

• Prepare to respect their choice if they're not ready

During the conversation:

• Ask explicitly for permission

• Wait for conscious agreement

• Frame your input as your perspective

• Stay curious about their experience

  
  

After the conversation:

• Reflect on how it felt different

• Notice their level of engagement and openness

• Adjust your approach based on what you learned

Pay attention to how dramatically the conversation changes when people consciously choose to receive your input. Most leaders are amazed at how much more receptive and engaged their team members become.

The Ultimate Question

Here's the fundamental shift: Instead of asking "How can I give better feedback?" ask "How can I create conditions where people want to receive my input?"

The answer lies in the simple act of asking permission. When we honor people's autonomy and invite their conscious participation, we transform feedback from something that's done TO them into something that's done WITH them.

Remember: The goal isn't just behavior change—it's human flourishing. When people feel elevated through permission-based feedback, they don't just perform better; they become better. And that benefits everyone.