Forgiveness Isn’t What You Think

Part Two In A Series On Processing Professional Hurt

“Two things can be true at once. I can be mad at you, and I can also be sad for you at the same time.” ~ A CEO Client of ours

What You'll Learn

• What forgiveness actually means in leadership contexts

• Why forgiveness isn’t weakness—it’s strategic

• The paradox of holding contradictory truths simultaneously

• How to reframe forgiveness from religious concept to business practice

In Part One of this series, we explored why professional hurt matters and what it costs leaders who don’t process it effectively. But when we start talking about solutions, many leaders hit a wall at one specific word: Forgiveness.

The moment it comes up, you can feel the resistance in the room. “That word gives me a guttural reaction,” one CEO admitted. “I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out what that is.”

Let’s talk about why—and what forgiveness actually means for leaders.

The Religious Baggage

Here’s the first problem: for many of us, forgiveness feels like a religious concept that has no place in professional life.

“It honestly feels religious to me,” one leader observed. “That’s the context I know it in. Just purely in a relationship standpoint, or from a leadership standpoint—it’s really interesting that it’s part of the process.”

Another put it bluntly: “If I forgive you, that makes me feel like I’m absolving you of your guilt and your wrongdoings. Forgiveness for me is a pretty big deal, because I don’t do that very easily.”

That’s honest. And it points to a fundamental misunderstanding of what forgiveness actually is.

What Forgiveness Is NOT

Let’s start by clearing up what forgiveness doesn’t mean in a leadership context:

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting. You don’t develop amnesia about what happened. The memory remains. The lesson learned stays with you.

Forgiveness is NOT friendship. You don’t owe the person who hurt you a restored relationship or unmitigated trust. As one leader said: “I’m not gonna be vulnerable with him again, ever. We’re not gonna have that relationship anymore.”

Forgiveness is NOT condoning the behavior. You’re not saying “it’s okay what you did” or “it doesn’t matter.” It matters. What happened was wrong or harmful or short-sighted.

Forgiveness is NOT letting them off the hook. There can still be consequences, accountability, even legal action. One CEO pursued a six-figure settlement while working through forgiveness. Both things were necessary.

Forgiveness is NOT a one-time decision. It’s not a light switch you flip. It’s an ongoing practice that requires repeated choice.

What Forgiveness Actually IS

So if forgiveness isn’t all those things, what is it?

At its core, forgiveness is a conscious decision to release resentment.

It’s freeing yourself from the mental space consumed by hurt. It’s choosing to stop giving the person or situation energy they don’t deserve to occupy in your brain.

One leader described it perfectly: “Forgiveness is about my mental space, and not holding onto something that’s getting in my way. I can let go of things for me to be better, but that doesn’t mean that you’re gonna be okay, and I sometimes hope you’re not.”

That’s the reframe: Forgiveness isn’t about the other person. It’s about you.

It’s not a gift you give them. It’s a gift you give yourself—the gift of reclaiming bandwidth they’re currently consuming rent-free in your head.

The Permanent Attitude

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said it best:

“Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It’s a permanent attitude.”

This might be the most important insight about forgiveness: it’s a posture, a practice, a way of being—not a single moment where you decide “okay, I forgive them” and then it’s done.

One CEO described their ongoing practice: “I get to recognize when we are creating suffering through how we are interpreting whatever outside of us happened. And I can either continue to feel hurt or suffering, or I get to release that.”

Notice the language: “I get to.” Not “I have to.” This is about agency, not obligation.

Every time you notice yourself ruminating, you have a choice. You can feed that thought, turn it over again, rehearse what you wish you’d said or what they should have done. Or you can acknowledge it—“That’s my thought. I see it. And I’m choosing to focus my attention elsewhere.”

The Power of Paradox

Perhaps the most powerful insight about forgiveness in leadership: two things can be true at once.

You can:

- Be genuinely hurt by someone’s actions AND recognize they did the best they could with their capacity at the time

- Set firm boundaries with someone AND wish them well

- Refuse to restore a relationship AND release resentment about what happened

- Hold someone accountable for consequences AND have compassion for their struggle

- Be angry about how something unfolded AND find meaning in what you learned

- Feel betrayed by a partner AND sad for what they’re losing by walking away

One leader described this perfectly as they worked through a major partnership dissolution: “I’m still really angry at him for how he went about doing this. And I’m also a little sad for him. Those are two weird emotions to have at the same time. I’m angry at him, but I’m also a little bit sad, because he threw away a really good thing that we had.”

That ability to hold seemingly contradictory truths simultaneously? That might be the mark of genuine leadership maturity.

The Business Case

This still might feel too soft, too psychological, too removed from the hard work of leading organizations. So let’s be clear about the business case: Forgiveness is strategic.

When you’re consumed by resentment, you’re not fully available for the work that actually matters. You’re making decisions from hurt rather than clarity. You’re modeling for your team that the way to handle betrayal is to harden up and carry it.

One CEO reflected: “For as much as I’ve done to try to work with him, accommodate him, engage with him—I feel like I just get beat up every time we engage. It feels ungrateful. There’s almost a betrayal feeling in it.”

That feeling is real. And it’s also taking up space that could be occupied by strategy, innovation, or genuine connection with people who are showing up well.

Forgiveness isn’t weakness that leaves you vulnerable to more hurt. It’s strength that frees you to lead with clarity.

Dealing with the Victim Mentality

Here’s a hard truth: sometimes when we’re hurt, we slip into a victim mentality. We feel powerless, done to, trapped by circumstances we can’t control.

And there’s truth in that—some things genuinely are beyond our control. Policy changes happen. Partners make self-serving choices. Boards operate politically rather than strategically.

But as one leader observed: “When you’re victimized, you feel like your power’s been stripped. The question becomes: how do you reclaim some control, some power over the work you do, given the unknown that’s sort of hanging out there?”

Forgiveness is one way to reclaim that power. Not power over the situation—you may never have that. But power over how much space it occupies in your life.

The Trap of “You’re the Only One”

Before we move to the practice (next article), one critical boundary issue:

If someone says “You’re the only person I can talk to about this”—that’s a red flag, not a compliment.

One CEO shared their experience with an employee going through cancer treatment: “What he shared with me was, I’m the only one he can blow up with, and get this out, because he trusts me. We have a strong relationship.”

On the surface, that sounds like deep trust. But here’s the problem: you cannot be someone’s sole source of emotional processing. That’s neither healthy nor sustainable, especially in a hierarchical relationship.

When someone says this to you, respond with clarity and care: “I value our relationship, and I want to support you. But I’m not able to be your only support. Let’s talk about other resources—therapy, trusted colleagues, friends outside work—who can help you process this.”

This isn’t cold. It’s caring enough to be honest about what you can and can’t provide. And it’s protecting yourself from the inevitable hurt when you can’t carry that burden alone.

The Path Forward

Forgiveness in leadership isn’t about being naive or weak. It’s about being strategic with your emotional energy and intentional about where you place your trust.

It’s recognizing that organizations are networks of relationships, relationships will fracture, and your job isn’t to prevent all fractures (impossible) or pretend they don’t hurt (dishonest).

Your job is to develop the capacity to process hurt in ways that leave you stronger, clearer, and more open—not more guarded, cynical, or closed.

In our next article, we’ll walk through a practical framework for actually doing this work.

Try This Today

Think about one person or situation where you’re holding resentment.

Complete this sentence: “If I released my resentment about _______, what might become possible is _______.”

Don’t try to force the release yet. Just notice what you wrote in that second blank. That’s what your resentment is currently costing you.

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