Language Tools for Resolution

Five Phrases That Transform Difficult Conversations

Coaching exists in how we listen, not how we speak.

What You'll Learn

• The five essential phrases that create safety in hard conversations

• Why "I'm curious about..." changes everything

• How to deliver difficult feedback without triggering defensiveness

• The difference between conversation openers that close doors and those that open them

• Practical scripts you can use immediately

The conversation you've been avoiding isn't going to get easier. That difficult feedback, that misalignment, that festering issue—delay won't improve it.

But here's what many leaders miss: The problem isn't usually the content of these conversations. It's the language we use to initiate and navigate them.

Most leaders start difficult conversations with phrases that guarantee defensiveness: "We need to talk about your performance." "I'm concerned about your judgment." "Here's what you did wrong."

These openers trigger the amygdala's threat response instantly. The other person stops listening and starts defending. The conversation is lost before it begins.

The Foundation: Safety First

Before diving into specific phrases, understand this: Difficult conversations require psychological safety. People can't think clearly when they feel threatened. When someone's fear center activates, their prefrontal cortex—the part that does complex thinking—goes offline.

Your job as a leader isn't to win the conversation. It's to create conditions where genuine

dialogue becomes possible.

That starts with your language.

Five Phrases That Change Everything

1. "I'm curious about..."

This simple phrase transforms confrontation into exploration.

Instead of: "Why did you make that decision?"

Say: "I'm curious about what led to that decision."

The first version demands justification. The second invites explanation. Same information, radically different energy.

"I'm curious" signals genuine interest rather than judgment. It positions you as learner rather than judge. And it creates space for the other person to share their thinking without defending themselves.

Use it for:

• Understanding decisions you disagree with

• Exploring perspectives different from yours

• Starting conversations about concerning patterns

2. "Help me understand..."

This phrase explicitly positions the other person as capable and you as genuinely seeking their perspective.

Instead of: "That doesn't make sense."

Say: "Help me understand your thinking there."

When you say "help me understand," you're acknowledging that there's logic from their vantage point, even if you can't see it yet. You're treating them as resourceful rather than incompetent.

This matters because people generally make the best decisions they can with the information they have. When decisions seem wrong to you, it's often because you have different information or different priorities—not because they're incapable.

Use it for:

• Bridging different perspectives

• Uncovering missing context

• Building understanding before feedback

3. "What I'm noticing is..."

This phrase lets you share observations without making accusations.

Instead of: "You're not engaged in meetings."

Say: "What I'm noticing is that you've been quiet in our last few meetings, which is different from your usual participation. I'm curious what's going on."

When you describe what you notice rather than what the person "is," you:

• Stick to observable facts

• Leave room for alternative explanations

• Avoid triggering defensiveness about identity

You're not saying they're disengaged. You're saying here's what you observe, and you're curious about it. Big difference.

Use it for:

• Performance conversations

• Behavioral feedback

• Addressing patterns you're concerned about

4. "What would make this better?"

This shifts the focus from problem to solution, from past to future.

Instead of: "This isn't working."

Say: "What would make this work better for you?"

This phrase does something powerful: It assumes the other person wants things to work and has ideas about how to improve them. Most people do. They just haven't been asked.

It also shares ownership of the solution. You're not telling them what to fix—you're inviting them to co-create improvement.

Use it for:

• Process improvements

• Relationship repair

• Problem-solving difficult situations

5. "What support do you need?"

This is the essence of supportive accountability—asking how you can partner in their success.

Instead of: "You need to figure this out."

Say: "You've committed to X by Y date. What support from me would help you deliver that?"

When you ask "what support do you need," you:

• Maintain accountability for the commitment

• Position yourself as partner, not adversary

• Create space to identify real barriers

This doesn't mean lowering standards. It means understanding what's actually in the way and removing obstacles within your control.

Use it for:

• Following up on commitments

• Addressing performance gaps

• Building accountability without blame

The Sequence That Works

When you need to address a difficult issue, try this sequence:

Step 1 - Create Safety: "I want to have a conversation about [topic], and my intention is [clarify your purpose—usually something like 'to understand' or 'to find a solution together']."

Step 2 - Share Observation: "What I'm noticing is [specific, observable fact]."

Step 3 - Express Curiosity: "I'm curious about [what's happening from their perspective]."

Step 4 - Listen Genuinely: "Help me understand [their thinking/what's going on]."

Step 5 - Problem-Solve Together: "What would make this better?" or "What support do you need?"

Example in Action

Let's see how this works with a real scenario: An employee has missed the last three deadlines.

Don't Say: "We need to talk about your performance. You've missed three deadlines in a row. What's going on with you? You need to get it together."

Do Say: "I'd like to talk about the last few projects. My intention is to understand what's happening and figure out how to set you up for success. What I'm noticing is that the last three deliverables came in after the agreed deadline, which is different from your usual pattern. I'm curious what's behind that. Help me understand what's been going on."

Then listen. Really listen.

After they've shared: "Thank you for sharing that. Given what you've told me, what would make it possible for you to meet deadlines going forward? What support from me would help?"

Notice how different this feels. Same issue, entirely different conversation.

The Coaching Mindset

These phrases work because they flow from a coaching mindset—a fundamental belief that the person you're talking with is capable, resourceful, and wants to succeed.

Without this mindset, the phrases become manipulative techniques. With it, they become genuine tools for understanding and growth.

Remember: Coaching exists in how we listen, not how we speak. These phrases help you listen with curiosity instead of judgment, with openness instead of assumption.

Common Objections

"But what if they really did mess up?"

These phrases don't eliminate accountability. They create the psychological safety necessary for someone to actually hear and learn from feedback. You can still be clear about expectations and consequences—you're just creating conditions where that clarity can land.

"This sounds too soft."

Direct ≠ harsh. You can be completely direct about issues while still using language that doesn't trigger defensiveness. In fact, this approach lets you be more direct because you've created safety first.

"What if they don't have a good explanation?"

Then you learn that. But you'll be surprised how often people do have context you weren't aware of. Starting with curiosity uncovers information that changes your understanding of the situation.

Building the Habit

Start with one phrase. This week, every time you're tempted to ask "Why did you...?" replace it with "I'm curious about..."

Notice what shifts. Pay attention to how people respond differently when you lead with curiosity instead of judgment.

Then add the next phrase. Build your repertoire gradually until this language becomes natural.

The Real Work

Here's the truth: These phrases only work if they're genuine. You can't fake curiosity. You can't pretend to believe in someone's capability if you don't.

The real work isn't memorizing phrases. It's cultivating the mindset that makes these phrases authentic—a fundamental assumption that people are doing their best with what they have, and that understanding their perspective will reveal something you don't yet see.

When you genuinely believe that, the language flows naturally.

Try This Today

Identify one difficult conversation you've been avoiding. Write out your opening using this format:

"I'd like to talk about [topic]. My intention is [your genuine purpose]. What I'm noticing is [observable fact]. I'm curious about [what you want to understand]."

Then have the conversation. Today.

The language won't guarantee an easy conversation. But it will guarantee a better one.

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